This is hard.

This is hard! Being divorced is hard. Being divorced with kids is harder. Yes I chose to marry him and I also chose to leave. Yes, I wanted to have kids. But never in a million years did I imagine I would have to push through pain like this.

No I’m not talking about the pains of labour. I’m talking about pushing through and past my limits; physically, emotionally and mentally. Do you know what it feels like getting up early each morning when your souls is tired; getting 2 little angels dressed, fed and ready for school, going to work, getting them home from school and then starting all over again the very next day? Can you imagine what it feels like carrying on through inner turmoil to keep the worlds of your children as stable as possible despite being unsure of whether you have enough energy to even breathe?

It’s been a year since my divorce and I’m happier than I’ve been whilst in the marriage, for sure, but I’m also wounded. I’m sore to the core of my soul from the rejection, the lies, the betrayal, the disbelief, the regret, the anger, the guilt.

It’s the guilt that gnaws at my conscience daily. The guilt of what if’s. What if I married the guy who was in love with me before marrying this person, who, by the end of the marriage had become an iota of the man I fell inlove with? What if I left sooner? What if I didn’t have kids? What if it was me who enabled him to become this way? Add to that the maybe’s and should haves. Maybe I should have stood up for myself. Maybe I should have told my parents and friends the truth and not suffered in silence. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

This is so hard! No matter how strong your support structure, the need to sit alone on the corner of the bathtub and cry your eyes out after your kids are asleep, is still there.

Wait, what?! I’m still expected to act normal, keep my shit together, be composed and carry on with adulting, life, work, chores, groceries, homework, projects, work meetings, school meetings, be a good co-parent and be civil with my ex, when my heart feels like it been ripped out of my chest by the lies, the deception, the disbelief in love and romance and the loss of faith in my own judgement?

Wait, what?! I need to pay the bills, look nice, smile, and be like that super strong, independent chick in all of the break up music videos and sing: “It’s not right, but its OK”?

You know what, I do feel like that some days.I hear that Demi Lovato song titled Sorry Not Sorry and it’s my anthem for that moment. I feel the words and I feel empowered and strong for a little while and then life happens. Like I have to give my kids up for a weekend because I have to be a good co-parent and I spiral downward and have to summon the strength to get back up there again.

It’s work, it’s constant work.

Wow, and the things people say when they find out you’re divorced, oh my goodness!! Look, I know you’re trying to be social and some of you really do care, but if I hear the whole “you’re still young you’ll find someone else”, I literally throw up in my mouth a little.

Yes, I might be young but I’ve just learned that loving someone hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering from the shock. I’ve just learnt why they call it heartache because you can truly feel your heart aching inside your chest. Please don’t tell me about meeting someone new. It’s like telling someone who miscarried: “don’t worry you’ll have another baby”!

Occasionally my bad judgement kicks in again and I give some of these people who show interest, the benefit of the doubt and say to myself: “shame, they care, share your pain with them”. A burden shared is a burden halved after all, isn’t it? Most of the interest dies out after they’ve heard all of the sordid details of why and how. Most times they just want the story, the drama and the affirmation that their lives could be worse. They could be in my shoes.

But hey, it’s been a year. I’ve moved out of the place my children called home with just three suitcases, not knowing how things would pan out. For me, the planner, the control freak, the perfectionist that was the hardest decision to make.

Its been a year of changing jobs, changing my postal code but also of changing me.

It’s been liberating, painful, confusing, enlightening, unexpected, unplanned, joyous, beautiful and new.

I know I’m not the only one feeling all of this. I started this blog because its a means of bearing my soul, sharing the hardship and letting those of you know who have gone or are going though a divorce that you’re not crazy, you’re not alone and I know.

I know it’s not easy. I know pain changes you. I know you’re scared.

I also know that I, like you, am a survivor and that God is the ultimate planner. His plans for us are better than any plans we have for ourselves.

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And God Knows, while you know not.” 

Till later